oh.save.me.dearly

I really enjoyed dance class today. My friend Maddy and I tried to compose our dance using only an iriver seeing as how I was meant to bring my ipod but forgot it. We had a great time creating our dance and perfecting our motif. Our dance is supposed to incorporate 16 ways to manipulate a motif- as if you can fit all that into about 2 minutes of movement!! Anyway Maddy and I had a great time.....we are still both incredibly scared of our dance teacher though. She is so unpredictable that you never know when she's just going to go right out and snap at you....so I try my best to always pay full attention in her class and not get on her bad side.

This afternoon I had my outpatient appointment. The doctors were late (as per usual) and I spent a good many hours sitting in the waiting room listening to two teenage girls in year 11 having a long and interesting conversation with their mother. I love observing human behaviour and relationships. I find it all so interesting. I found despite trying my hardest not to eavesdrop, that I was smiling at the funny and loving comments they were making to one another.

Finally when it came my turn I faced backwards on the scales and asked her not to tell me my weight (second time I have done this). She and the head of the ED unit both told me how great I am doing in recovery since I'm doing all of this basically myself. They did tell me though that my weight was lower, but that they would give me "the benefit of the doubt" and allow me to not have to come back for a while. Sooo....my next appointment is roughly a month and a half away- yessssss. That is actually the longest I have ever gone without an appointment.

They told me that I need to get back to a healthy weight and continue doing well and managing my exercise and food intake. The head of the unit told me that I have to get there so that I can have a healthy brain for the HSC and for school. Hmmm...I found that comment rather amusing.

I'm packing an extra light school bag tomorrow since I will be helping with the BodyThink Butterfly Foundation program at school and so won't need to bring any books since I won't technically be in normal school lessons.

I'm tired and there are so many dishes in the sink yet I cannot be bothered to do them....

I ended up going to school today early to meet up with my friend. Together the two of us sat and chatted outside the music rooms. I feel bad all the time when she offers me food and I constantly say "No thankyou I'm fine". Today my friend was eating hot chips and I'm beginning to wonder if she suspects something about my bizarre eating habits and fear around food....

Today hardly anyone was at school- the place was practically empty. For history our class was so small (me and one other boy) that all the history classes ended up combining and we watched 'Rabbit-proof Fence' together. I have always liked that movie. It is so touching and so emotional. I cannot believe all of the pain the Aboriginal people went through. I remember always hating when dumb kids laugh during that movie, the issue isn't funny at all.

The only "normal" lesson I had today was science. I was the only girl with three other boys in the class. One of them came and sat next to me halfway through the lesson which I found very strange and which made me uncomfortable....:O we had a whole entire class discussion about global warming and ways we can save energy and water.

That brings me to my maths lesson, the most fun I had all day and no I am not even kidding. A whole bunch of us piled together all the small desks and formed a circle around the large table. We played the card game "spoons", only we didn't have spoons and so had to use pencils. Which still made the game just as fun :] I seriously had so much fun. We were all laughing so much as we scrambled each time to not be the last to grab a pencil. I haven't played that game since I was about 8 years old, I had forgotten how much fun it was.

Today I had a lovely day with my friend. The only rotten part of today was my anxiousness and need to exercise during work. I kept on tapping my feet up and down as usual and feeling extremely irritable. By the time my grandad came to pick me up I felt so jittery like I wanted to just get on up and keep running. I told this to him and he told me to not listen to those impulses.....yeah.......easier said than done.

Wow. I cannot believe I am 16 years old. I would have updated yesterday about my birthday, but I simply felt exhausted from the day. I woke up at 4am and felt so jittery that I couldn't sleep. Most people feel like this because they are so unbearably excited for their special day. Not me. I felt nervous about it. Nervous that my day wouldn't go well, anxious about everybody wishing me and just generally shaken to have a whole day devoted to celebrating my existance.

I set my phone alarm to 6:32am, very early yes- and also the time at which I was born. It is strange to think that at that time and on that day sixteen years ago, little me said hello to the world. :) I got lots of presents even though I told everyone to not get me anything since money is tight right now and because I don't like to own too many nice things, it makes me feel greedy.

I got plenty of make-up, a few clothing items, a beautiful Swarovski diamond necklace in the shape of a butterfly, a beautiful bunch of deep pink gerberas (my favourite flower) all from my lovely mum.

My sister made me a card game, the little lass is so unbelieveably creative and generous. As well as this she got me part 2 of 'The Kira Chronicles' hehe I love the series so much. And I also find it very cute that the main character shares my name :] She also got me a bookmark and a beautiful card she made herself.

My nanna + grandad bought me a beautiful plaque with a poem written on it that almost made me cry. They also got me a very fragile, very beautiful silver necklace and as well as that are going to contribute to buying me a car!

When my grandparents came to wish me they held me each for several moments before letting me go and saying "God bless you sweetie. You are surely going to get better from this. You are going to eat properly and put your best foot forward". They kept saying over and over, as well as my grandad's favourite saying that he repeats often to me; "mind over matter". I quite like that one.

I travelled with my mother and sister to the city by car and train and we saw 'Billy Elliot' the musical. At first the sales people at the door wouldn't let me bring in my backpack, my backpack which had food in it. My mother got so angry at them and shouted "This girl has to eat! She has a medical condition!!" and she was so forceful and so powerful that they simply apologised and I was free to eat in the theatre :]

The show was good I thought, but nothing in comparison to the movie. I found the dancing choreography was brilliant and the dancers danced so smoothly, so naturally and with a technical brilliance. I however didn't like the humour they tried to add to the normally poignant and emotional tale of Billy Elliot. I didn't find a lot of the over-the-top humour funny at all, but I did love the performance over all.

I felt extremely anxious today. I couldn't stop shaking and tapping my feet up and down. I felt overwhelmed to be 16, to have everybody ringing up and wishing me. I felt like I just wanted it to be over, and I rushed to my mother telling her just that. She told me to just not worry about it, to just slow down and enjoy the day and that is exactly what I tried to do.

Lots of people remembered my day and I got phone calls from all of them. The one that shocked me the most was from my cousin. We are.......well I suppose were best friends until I became anorexic. Part of me really blames her because she made me originally start dieting as a means to be more like her. More thin, more graceful, more beautiful. Or so I thought.

Our conversation was odd on the phone. We haven't spoken in so long. She sent me a really heartfelt letter while I was in the hospital telling me that she doesn't know why I have anorexia, that she misses me terribly and that her heart is breaking. We chatted so plainly and so strangely on the phone last night. I found there really wasn't much to say. As sad as it sounds, I really don't want to be her best friend any more. I miss her, but I cannot believe that she is one of the people who I contribute to my anorexia and she can't understand why I got it.

I had stew for dinner at my grandparent's place last night. My grandfather told me that the previous night where I left a lot of my dinner off, that my nanna started crying that I didn't eat all of it. She asked me if what she served was too much last night. And I told her "Nanna, what you need to realise is that somebody with anorexia is always going to say that is too much even if it is the tiniest amount in the world".

I had a good day. A wholesome day. I realise that my mood wasn't perfect the whole day and yes I did have low times, but that that is okay. The idea of having a nice birthday doesn't need to mean that it is 100% dandy and perfect. Imperfection is okay and is sometimes what we need to feel great.