oh.save.me.dearly

leaving LJ!

2008-09-09T20:28:14Z

ATTENTION ALL: I AM LEAVING LJ

I have surprised even myself in saying that. This morning I thought about it and have reached the conclusion that it is best for me and my recovery.

Some of my best friends have expressed concern over me and have wanted desperately to see me and continue a friendship with me. I have pushed them all away, isolated myself- but no more.

I want to get out there and live. This morning I thought about how wonderful it would be to get up and eat a whole block of chocolate without feeling an ounce of guilt :) I dream big. I dream of that. I want it so badly.

I am so thankful to everything I learned being on here and I am grateful for the chance of helping out many people on here with depression, eating disorders etc. But I truly believe that in order for me to recover, I should spend less time isolated by myself (such as being on the computer), and more time out there with my wonderful friends and family.

If anyone still ever wants to contact me my email is: glimmer_angel@hotmail.com
I want you to know how thankful I am, to each and every person on here. You have taught me so much. I don't expect I'll be returning to this LJ, but I won't delete it just in case.

Recovery here I come. I want you to be mine and I've randomly decided that the best way for me to pursue that is for me to get out there and begin living.

Welfare day

2008-09-08T10:23:03Z

Today at school was Welfare day and a whole bunch of different people came to talk to us about various issues affecting adolescents such as sex, risk taking, safe + happy relationships, drugs, alcohol, driving and peer pressure. Everyone always seems to think days like this are boring, but I really enjoyed today and from the way everyone was laughing I think they all liked it too.

The activity I enjoyed the most was the risk taking segment in which a man who is paralysed and in a wheel chair came and spoke to us about how he went out binge-drinking late one night with a group of friends as a teenager. He then went home without a seat belt and with an intoxicated driver.

He spoke to us all about how the way people view him and his capabilities has changed completely. How people look at him sympathetically now and how much he hates that. How he wishes he could rewind back time and take back his stupid mistakes made that one night. I found what he said moving, I found it so inspiring that he enjoys travelling around and speaking to others of his amazing story.

He just really wants to spread the message around of what consequences can happen because of risk taking. I found it so positive that someone like that can still give life a go and not turn their back on it.

He spoke of depression also and how someone with all their usual abilities taken from them suddenly would obviously feel very isolated and worthless. He spoke of how his accident brought his self-esteem down, but how life is what it is and you have to love what you are given.

I almost cried at the thoughts that people like that, like him can still love life and that I find it so hard to look in the mirror and like me when I do not have any physical disabilities or problems like that. I need to learn to appreciate the wonderful things I have in life and stop doubting that my future will be so bright- because it will. Because I will gather this hope and it will lead to me an unexpected happiness that I never even knew existed.

I also find it very funny that today during the sex education, I am still such a little kid and cannot help laughing crazily whenever words like "vagina, penis, ejaculation and orgasm" are mentioned :) Today was good. My mood was up and it was all marvellous.

Tonight my mother told me she wants to have a talk with me.........today I finally worked up the courage to tell her that my weight was down at my outpatient appointment. I wonder if she's going to talk to me about that?? Or maybe she's finally realised that our relationship is slowly dissolving into nothingness.....................or maybe she still hasn't figured that part out yet.

wish the sun would smile

2008-09-06T10:17:41Z

Even though it was raining cats and dogs today, I still got carried away as per usual and walked the very long way to the shops and to the library. There I sat looking through the window at the beautiful green garden outside and watched the droplets gently sliding down the roof.

I studied for my history and maths exams coming up this week. I've never been able to understand algebra, but today I came across a book that practically screamed out at me. It says on the front cover "If you think algebra is dull, hard and boring then this book is for you!!" that made me laugh and I found that as silly as it sounds, the book really did make learning maths fun.......and I can't believe I just said that.

Today I did grocery shopping and bought my grandad his father's day present. Yes i know he is not technically my father, but he is. Having a father doesn't mean someone has to biologically by your father.......I don't have a real father and my grandad has been the best father to me than anybody else could have been. He has been there for me, hugged me when I cried and gave me warm words of wisdom through this illness. He is my father and so today I bought him peanut brittle, peanut brittle fingers and chocolate coated almonds and wrapped them up to go with his card I made :)

After studying and eating lunch in the food court (of course I packed my own lunch, am still too scared to eat out) I went and saw the movie 'Son of Rambow'. It was a lovely movie and I really really enjoyed every moment of it. It was meaningful and thoughtful in a subtle way that left you feeling rejuvenated and refreshed. I enjoyed today. I like not thinking too much about life and then realising that often that is the best way to live.

lee carter and will

on the edge

2008-09-05T10:59:43Z

Ok so I really have no clue what happened to me today........I was a total mess all day and couldn't stop crying. I kept trying to hold back the tears in class. Today I felt like I could be stronger, strong enough to resist food and strong enough to not need it- to not need the energy or the nutrience it brings. Today I wanted to be without food, today I wanted ana back in my life. I couldn't help it.......and yet in despite of that I found myself crying in the toilets in PE screaming silently "WHY???? I don't want this!! I want to just be so so happy like everyone else!! I want to eat normal food and live life and be normal like everybody else!!! Why can't I stop this??!!!" The question was so frustrating and I know that only I can find my own answers in time. Things just didn't go well for me today. I am beginning to worry that I have bipolar disorder. I couldn't deal with life today.....I wanted to end it.

'Girls Can Do Anything'

2008-09-04T11:29:57Z

Today was the BodyThink 'Girls Can Do Anything' year 8 welfare program at school which I volunteered to help out with. The day was absolutely amazing and at the end of it the girls were requesting for a monthly workshop because they all wanted to come back that badly!!

The day began with us all looking at glossy, glamourised pictures of skinny, tall and perfect-looking models and celebrities. We all had to say what we thought about the media plastering images like this everywhere and making it seem "normal". We had to talk about how we would feel if we looked like the women in the magazines and how seeing them in fashion magazines everyday can affect our own self-esteem.

We continued on the topic of self-esteem and spoke all about the good things that help empower us and bring our self-esteem up.

The first activity we did was a fun one. There were sets of different coloured ribbons placed on the table and we each had to take one and tie it to another girl's wrist telling them a compliment as we did so. The activity was designed to help us think of giving a compliment and how it is a bit like giving someone a nicely wrapped present. Each coloured ribbon represented a different feeling.

I was stoked that I recieved some ribbon bracelets when the year 8 girls don't even know me! I admit that I did feel uncomfortable when they were all asking "Hey why is there only one year 10 girl here??" at the start of the program. I couldn't exactly yell out "Hey I was hospitalised this year for anorexia and major depression and I am in recovery and have self-esteem issues and so that is kind of why I am helping out". It would have been funny if I did though...

We did another activity focusing on the importance of journal writing and how we can let out our thoughts about everything and anything at all within a journal. We each got our own little blank book and got to stick pictures, glittery objects and writing in it- basically filling it with parts of us and what we stand for.

We did a similar activity straight after in which we all got a small little box which we had to decorate. Polly the youth worker placed all kinds of brightly coloured glitter, ribbon, fabric, paper, pipe cleaners and glue on the table and all of us busily got to work. We all found it amazing that although the same materials were available to all of us; that we each respresented ourselves in a different way through our box creations. That was the point of the activity, that we all are different and that there is no right or wrong way to go about being ourselves.

One of the day's best activities was the relaxation passage that Mrs Warren the school counsellor read out to us. We each had to find a spot on the floor and lie down and shut our eyes. Mrs Warren read a passage out about a beautiful garden with a castle and a mote. She read about each specific detail of the garden and how there was a wise person and a guardian angel surrounding us with protection. She spoke about a beautiful white star in the palm of our hands and how the gate swings gently behind us as we enter the garden.

The activity transported me to a whole new place, it did so for everyone; I could feel it. By the end of the passage when we returned back to earth, one of the girls was crying. She said the wise person she pictured was her brother.......who had passed away. I thought that was so deep and beautiful. I pictured the wise person as my grandad. He was smiling and so happy to see me. He looked so cheerful and like all his heavy burdens were taken away. I don't know why I pictured him, but it was an unconscious decison. It came to me without even a tad bit of consideration.

I stayed through lunch (and conviniently skipped it) in order to help pack up this activity. It is awful I know....especially when I know my weight is too low right now.....but I couldn't help myself....."I'll eat later" I told myself.

When everyone got back from lunch we had a game of knots. In which you have to each grab a different hand of someone opposite you and you end up in a gigantic mess of tangling knots! It was really fun. Everyone was laughing so hard and it got really confusing. All our arms were hurting and all stretched by the end of it!

The end of the afternoon was about conflict and resolution and how we can express our emotions in a positive way and get our feelings across instead of keeping them trapped within us. We discussed ways to go about telling others calmly how you feel towards something.

The last activity of the afternoon involved us giving each other a scented oil hand massage. This was to reinforce how important it is for all of us to take a break and relax everyday, to do something nice for ourselves and remember to take care of ourselves and believe in our own self-value.

I had to go with the school counsellor which was strange I must admit. I mean it is not everyday you give a teacher a hand massage...........but once I got over that bizarre little fact it was an enjoyable activity and I could see the point in doing it.

At the end of the day Polly and Mrs Warren thanked me for my help and I along with each of the other girls got a cute little bag to take home full of cool stuff. I had a brilliant day today. It reinforces to me how much I really want to get involved with this kind of work when I am older. I would love to become a school counsellor, but who knows.......maybe this thought will change. I just know in my heart that no matter what, I want a job in the future that is going to allow me to help others. I want to help people feel better about themselves and help them work out ways of getting out of tough situations. I just really want to help others; that is my dream.

I feel like today helped the year 8 girls a lot. I think it helped them get to know and find themselves as well as help them to realise that you don't need to be anybody else's idea of perfect, because we are already perfect just as we are. I can't believe I spent so long being nervous about how today would turn out. I am beginning to realise that I don't need to be anxious and worry constantly over things....I only need to take everyday as it comes and realise that I don't need to be anything more than I am. I am always striving for the impossible instead of accepting that maybe just maybe God made me the way I am because He loves me.............maybe He wanted with all his heart for me to discover that I should love myself.....that everyone should and I believe in that.

a day in the life of me

2008-09-03T10:45:47Z

I really enjoyed dance class today. My friend Maddy and I tried to compose our dance using only an iriver seeing as how I was meant to bring my ipod but forgot it. We had a great time creating our dance and perfecting our motif. Our dance is supposed to incorporate 16 ways to manipulate a motif- as if you can fit all that into about 2 minutes of movement!! Anyway Maddy and I had a great time.....we are still both incredibly scared of our dance teacher though. She is so unpredictable that you never know when she's just going to go right out and snap at you....so I try my best to always pay full attention in her class and not get on her bad side.

This afternoon I had my outpatient appointment. The doctors were late (as per usual) and I spent a good many hours sitting in the waiting room listening to two teenage girls in year 11 having a long and interesting conversation with their mother. I love observing human behaviour and relationships. I find it all so interesting. I found despite trying my hardest not to eavesdrop, that I was smiling at the funny and loving comments they were making to one another.

Finally when it came my turn I faced backwards on the scales and asked her not to tell me my weight (second time I have done this). She and the head of the ED unit both told me how great I am doing in recovery since I'm doing all of this basically myself. They did tell me though that my weight was lower, but that they would give me "the benefit of the doubt" and allow me to not have to come back for a while. Sooo....my next appointment is roughly a month and a half away- yessssss. That is actually the longest I have ever gone without an appointment.

They told me that I need to get back to a healthy weight and continue doing well and managing my exercise and food intake. The head of the unit told me that I have to get there so that I can have a healthy brain for the HSC and for school. Hmmm...I found that comment rather amusing.

I'm packing an extra light school bag tomorrow since I will be helping with the BodyThink Butterfly Foundation program at school and so won't need to bring any books since I won't technically be in normal school lessons.

I'm tired and there are so many dishes in the sink yet I cannot be bothered to do them....

going to an empty school.

2008-09-02T10:32:47Z

I ended up going to school today early to meet up with my friend. Together the two of us sat and chatted outside the music rooms. I feel bad all the time when she offers me food and I constantly say "No thankyou I'm fine". Today my friend was eating hot chips and I'm beginning to wonder if she suspects something about my bizarre eating habits and fear around food....

Today hardly anyone was at school- the place was practically empty. For history our class was so small (me and one other boy) that all the history classes ended up combining and we watched 'Rabbit-proof Fence' together. I have always liked that movie. It is so touching and so emotional. I cannot believe all of the pain the Aboriginal people went through. I remember always hating when dumb kids laugh during that movie, the issue isn't funny at all.

The only "normal" lesson I had today was science. I was the only girl with three other boys in the class. One of them came and sat next to me halfway through the lesson which I found very strange and which made me uncomfortable....:O we had a whole entire class discussion about global warming and ways we can save energy and water.

That brings me to my maths lesson, the most fun I had all day and no I am not even kidding. A whole bunch of us piled together all the small desks and formed a circle around the large table. We played the card game "spoons", only we didn't have spoons and so had to use pencils. Which still made the game just as fun :] I seriously had so much fun. We were all laughing so much as we scrambled each time to not be the last to grab a pencil. I haven't played that game since I was about 8 years old, I had forgotten how much fun it was.

Today I had a lovely day with my friend. The only rotten part of today was my anxiousness and need to exercise during work. I kept on tapping my feet up and down as usual and feeling extremely irritable. By the time my grandad came to pick me up I felt so jittery like I wanted to just get on up and keep running. I told this to him and he told me to not listen to those impulses.....yeah.......easier said than done.

:]

2008-09-01T21:40:29Z

Today I have decided to go to school even though it is strike day and most kids will be hanging at the plaza. I want to go to school......is that lame or what? :O

proud of myself today

2008-08-31T06:19:24Z

Today I am proud of myself. I began crying and crying this afternoon and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I was doing my obsessive behaviour of changing outfits over and over again. Thinking I looked fat, believing I was ugly and changing changing changing until I felt so much pain that I physically yelled out loud "God why are you doing this to me?????"

I know this is not God's fault and that He loves me. I guess I just felt hopeless and angry at the time. Today I am so proud of myself because I finally put on some clothes and told myself I wasn't going to change out of them again no matter how much I felt the need to.

Today I took out all of my clothes and rumaged through them. I threw out heaps of it, probably more than half. And I went to the "poor people's box" as I call it and threw the clothes in their neat bundles down the shoot.

I feel so relieved that I was able to get rid of lots of old clothes. I am thinking that now there is not so much clothes that it will be much easier for me to manage this anxiety. I was so proud of myself for doing this that I told my sister on the phone when she called me. She's at my father's place today and is shopping. I miss her. I want her home.

Breathe in.......breathe out. I can do this. I am in control and I don't need an eating disorder to make me feel more in control.

a birthday

2008-08-30T22:54:34Z

Wow. I cannot believe I am 16 years old. I would have updated yesterday about my birthday, but I simply felt exhausted from the day. I woke up at 4am and felt so jittery that I couldn't sleep. Most people feel like this because they are so unbearably excited for their special day. Not me. I felt nervous about it. Nervous that my day wouldn't go well, anxious about everybody wishing me and just generally shaken to have a whole day devoted to celebrating my existance.

I set my phone alarm to 6:32am, very early yes- and also the time at which I was born. It is strange to think that at that time and on that day sixteen years ago, little me said hello to the world. :) I got lots of presents even though I told everyone to not get me anything since money is tight right now and because I don't like to own too many nice things, it makes me feel greedy.

I got plenty of make-up, a few clothing items, a beautiful Swarovski diamond necklace in the shape of a butterfly, a beautiful bunch of deep pink gerberas (my favourite flower) all from my lovely mum.

My sister made me a card game, the little lass is so unbelieveably creative and generous. As well as this she got me part 2 of 'The Kira Chronicles' hehe I love the series so much. And I also find it very cute that the main character shares my name :] She also got me a bookmark and a beautiful card she made herself.

My nanna + grandad bought me a beautiful plaque with a poem written on it that almost made me cry. They also got me a very fragile, very beautiful silver necklace and as well as that are going to contribute to buying me a car!

When my grandparents came to wish me they held me each for several moments before letting me go and saying "God bless you sweetie. You are surely going to get better from this. You are going to eat properly and put your best foot forward". They kept saying over and over, as well as my grandad's favourite saying that he repeats often to me; "mind over matter". I quite like that one.

I travelled with my mother and sister to the city by car and train and we saw 'Billy Elliot' the musical. At first the sales people at the door wouldn't let me bring in my backpack, my backpack which had food in it. My mother got so angry at them and shouted "This girl has to eat! She has a medical condition!!" and she was so forceful and so powerful that they simply apologised and I was free to eat in the theatre :]

The show was good I thought, but nothing in comparison to the movie. I found the dancing choreography was brilliant and the dancers danced so smoothly, so naturally and with a technical brilliance. I however didn't like the humour they tried to add to the normally poignant and emotional tale of Billy Elliot. I didn't find a lot of the over-the-top humour funny at all, but I did love the performance over all.

I felt extremely anxious today. I couldn't stop shaking and tapping my feet up and down. I felt overwhelmed to be 16, to have everybody ringing up and wishing me. I felt like I just wanted it to be over, and I rushed to my mother telling her just that. She told me to just not worry about it, to just slow down and enjoy the day and that is exactly what I tried to do.

Lots of people remembered my day and I got phone calls from all of them. The one that shocked me the most was from my cousin. We are.......well I suppose were best friends until I became anorexic. Part of me really blames her because she made me originally start dieting as a means to be more like her. More thin, more graceful, more beautiful. Or so I thought.

Our conversation was odd on the phone. We haven't spoken in so long. She sent me a really heartfelt letter while I was in the hospital telling me that she doesn't know why I have anorexia, that she misses me terribly and that her heart is breaking. We chatted so plainly and so strangely on the phone last night. I found there really wasn't much to say. As sad as it sounds, I really don't want to be her best friend any more. I miss her, but I cannot believe that she is one of the people who I contribute to my anorexia and she can't understand why I got it.

I had stew for dinner at my grandparent's place last night. My grandfather told me that the previous night where I left a lot of my dinner off, that my nanna started crying that I didn't eat all of it. She asked me if what she served was too much last night. And I told her "Nanna, what you need to realise is that somebody with anorexia is always going to say that is too much even if it is the tiniest amount in the world".

I had a good day. A wholesome day. I realise that my mood wasn't perfect the whole day and yes I did have low times, but that that is okay. The idea of having a nice birthday doesn't need to mean that it is 100% dandy and perfect. Imperfection is okay and is sometimes what we need to feel great.

few hours before my sixteenth

2008-08-29T12:12:46Z

I've got quite a lot to write about tonight. Mainly because so much great stuff happened to me today. Firstly my dear friend Maddy made me smile at school by giving me a birthday card. Morning tea at school was strange today. A girl from my art class named Emma came and sat with us. She started ranting and raving about other people's sex lives and started discussing (very explicitly might I add) weight- how much she weighs, how much others weigh etc etc. I told my friend Maddy later after she left that I hate anyone discussing weight like that and that I have real issues with it. She doesn't know I am battling anorexia and I guess I was trying to give her a bit of a hint. Part of me figures she's already guessed it since I always say "No thankyou I am fine" whenever she offers me some of her violet crumble, salt and vinegar chips or milo cereal bar.

This afternoon I left school early and I went to a make-up session with my mum. A kind lady showed me how to apply various different types of make-up and showed me how to choose colours which would suit me best. My mother then went and bought me a whole entire kit of make-up. She was complaining about me not wanting anything this birthday and so really wanted to give me a make-up kit. She tells me often that one of her fondest memories of being sixteen were that her mother (my nanna) started giving her a new and exotic different make-up kit each year and that she would like to start that for me.

I mainly chose neutral colours and a few brights since I am not all that used to wearing make-up. Other girls in my class arrive looking like models everyday. Foundation heavily caked upon their skin, eyelashes mascaraed up, lips glossed to perfection and hair straightened dead flat. I'm not like that at all and sometimes it makes me feel like I am not normal. I only wear make-up to feel better about myself, not to impress boys and I only wear it occasionally; like on weekends or if I am going out. I sometimes wish I could be like those pretty girls in my class, but I realise that that is the eating disorder talking and that I shouldn't wish to be anything other than what I am. A beautiful child of God :]

Afterwards mum had to go to her appointment and by chance we found ourselves looking through hundreds of beautifully coloured formal dresses. I don't know what to think about the formal. I don't know what to think or what to expect.

Mum and I had a real girly time. Laughing around and looking at the different dresses........and the very different pricing. We discovered that expensive doesn't necessarily mean better and that some of the dresses which were so ridicuously over-priced, did not even look very nice at all.

While mum was at her appointment, she gave me money for a deposit and told me to lay-by a dress if I liked one. I decided then and there that I would choose my dress this evening. I felt in my heart that I must, and I did. I chose a beautiful pink and delicate dress. It has sequins all over it and pretty dainty floral patterns. I felt like a goddess when I wore it, like some mystical princess out of a fairytale.

I have often visualised myself fully recovered, at the year 10 formal and wearing a pink dress just like that one. My mother told me later after I told her my recount of my dress buying, that if I believe that with all my heart that is exactly what will happen. And I do believe it. That I will achieve recovery. Maybe not today or tomorrow...but I will get it. I've never wanted something this bad before.

I better go to bed now. Tomorrow is a busy day full of birthday happenings and many cherished moments that are sure to be fond memories :]

My mother and I talked about on the car during the trip home that today equals exactly one whole entire year since the time of my brain hemorrhage and almost one full year since I was at my lowest weight during the fight of my life with anorexia. That scares me... a little too much. It makes me feel like getting lower lower and lower just to beat the score. Just to make sure my lowest weight can be even lower....lower and lower still.

But no. I'm stopping myself right there because I deserve happiness. I refused to waste any more of my life with this eating disorder. I won't allow it to kill me, but I will allow what it has done to make me stronger.

Tonight I heard from my dear friend Alyce who I am shocked to learn is still in hospital. I told her how beautiful she is, to never give up and that she will make it through this. She told me I am an inspirational and amazing person and how proud she is of me continuing to get better. I miss her and think of her often. I think of all the other patients often because I want with all my heart to know that they are happy, safe and okay. I want to to have the happy future they so truly deserve.

1 day to go.

2008-08-28T10:36:22Z

Tonight I went grocery shopping with my sister and as odd as it sounds, I really really enjoyed it. It felt so great to be just alongside her. To shop for highlighters, pens and pencil cases for school with her. I don't feel afraid of being around all the food in the supermarket when I am with her. With her I can breathe, she gives me a hope and a happy future I can see myself in.

She told me again this evening as she did before, that I am going to get better. She says it with a knowledge and a conviction like it is already written and not just a happy possibility. She said I will be better by the end of this year. That frightens me, but what does even more so is the fact that I believe her.

sweet sixteen never felt so sour

2008-08-27T11:04:17Z

I cannot believe that this Saturday I will be 16 years old. I find the whole concept both scary, surreal and overwhelming.

My mum has talked about buying tickets to 'Billy Elliot the Musical' for us to see, even though I made it perfectly clear that I didn't want to do anything on my actual birthday (since it is bad luck usually).

I don't know what I want for my birthday...all I know is that material things don't mean a thing to me any more. All I want is to wake up from this and to be happy and healthy. I want to laugh, to go out and never feel anxious or like my mind is lost some place else. I want our family to be together. For my mother and I to stop fighting. I want this and I want a big bright future full of new and delicious foods, happy smiles, outdoor activites in the warm sunshine, memorable days and falling asleep knowing that you just had the best day ever. I want everyday to make you grin ear to ear as you recall it the next morning.

I want friends who love you for who you are and not what you look like, I want lots of fun hobbies that take away your every pain, I want enjoyment from life, I want to feel passionate about life again and I want to look back and not regret one single second of it.

:)

2008-08-26T11:28:23Z

ooooooo this is a good question. Hmmmm....for starters I would make the grass blue and the sky pink. Oceans, rivers, lakes etc would have golden water and dogs, cats, mammals etc would be every colour they are currently not. For an example: A purple dog with green spots, a yellow cat with red stripes. Wouldn't that look so nice?? Hmm..people's hair could be purple, red, blue, green and YES it would be natural. The clouds in the sky would be cherry coloured, apples would be purple, pineapples would be silver and roads and pathways would always be white. Wow this is fun I could go on forever...

what's love anyway.

2008-08-25T10:35:35Z

Truth be told....I don't believe in love. Well I don't know. I used to believe in the whole princess meets knight in shining armour, falls in love and lives happily ever after routine. Now I am not too sure...it seems like everywhere you look people fall out of love more than they do in and divorce is apparent everywhere you look.

I'm not sure about love..family love and friendship love yes. I think it is the most beautiful and special thing in the whole world. It is what makes the music play beautifully, what makes a night out magical and what makes an art work have that mystical quality. Love like that makes the world revolve. Romantic love?? I'm not sure about that...but maybe that is because I've never been close enough to it to know, I've never been in love or been close to it.

To me love isn't the picture perfect scene where no arguements ever arise, where no problem ever surfaces. To me- love is an honesty in knowing that you love some one else so so much that you would be prepared to die for them.

What I think true love is, is loving someone for who they are as a person, not for their physical appearance. Loving someone truly means not needing to be anywhere or doing anything special or fantastic for you to have a great time. Truly being in love can mean you are sitting casually and watching the stars without speaking and realising it was the best night in your entire life and sometimes people go through their whole life not knowing that kind of happiness.

I think true love means that yes you both may change. You may have different experiences, new dreams and changed interests, but a part of you will always have each other in your heart and the love you hold especially for that person never ever goes away.

You love them because of their soul, because they give you something in the world that nobody else can- the sensation of being so happy that you don't need anything else...all your sorrows would melt into nothing by just seeing their face. For me that is what I think true love is...but who knows. Maybe I am wrong.

two part weekend

2008-08-24T11:13:09Z

part one. My weekend was very perculiar. It was one part joy and one part sadness.....this morning I headed out to Flemmington with my mother and sister and we went to this new church we had never been before. One of the nice pilgrims we met at World Youth Day invited us and we went because she wanted us to meet someone.

The person we ended up meeting had an odd impression on me. At first I thought she was weird....and then I thought she was too happy. It is funny how you can be so wrong about a person. After chatting with her for ages I finally opened up to her and we had a lovely conversation. She told me that God has given me anorexia not as a way of suffering, but because He loves me so much and wants me closer to Him. What she said made total sense to me. It was so wonderful to meet a woman who loved her life entirely. She was so happy just being here and being able to preach God's word. She taught me a lot today.

Part one of my Sunday continued and I went with my mother and Tamara to Paddy's market. We had a lovely time there. Mum bought me a bra, some socks, a pair of pants, a tank top and some new shoes + a bag for school. It was beautiful being with the two of them. All I could feel for them was open love and happiness. All I wanted to do was to live in the beauty of this moment forever. I feel so sorry for anyone who can't experience little moments of happiness like this in their life. Some people go through life and don't ever feel like this once.

The day brought us closer together. I felt it, we all did. I didn't even feel anxious because I brought a packed lunch from home so I didn't have to have the stress of eating out and being forced to pick something I couldn't handle. I felt like myself today and I felt beautiful under the sunny skies and with my mum and sister.

part two. Tonight changed my mood entirely. It was a stupid fight. And yet......and yet I found myself running and crying down the street speeding toward my house as fast as I could. It all started when my nanna told me she doesn't like my name. That killed me. It ripped me. She doesn't realise that I view that as her saying that she doesn't like me, doesn't like who I am. My name is a part of me and it was like her hating me as a person. I was upset....I wouldn't speak to her. She was angry at me in turn for that. She bought me some clothes and I refused to take them as I left through the door. She got angry at me and told me how rude I was being. I realise how stupid all of this sounds as I am writing it, but it is what happened tonight.

I ended up coming and saying goodbye to her, even though she was taking everything way too seriously and didn't at all understand how angry I was at her for saying she disliked my name. I know why she dislikes it. She hates my father. She views my name as a part of him and so hates it in the same way she does him. As I went up to embrace her, so try and make amends before I left; she told me to get out of the house.

I started to cry. I ran from the house, but my grandad tried to bar my way. "Let go of me!!!" I shouted dramatically. "I hate you! I hate me! I hate my fucking family!!!! I hate coming here!" I screamed as I ran down the street. All I could hear was my grandad's faint cries as he tried to stop me, but I wouldn't stop for anything. I kept on going, kept on crying all the way back to my home.

I don't know what is going to happen now. Grandad came to check on me, but I told him to get out of my house and leave me alone. I feel so unwanted and it is numbing me. The only thing that made me feel better tonight was my little sister telling me how she knows I am getting better and am going to continue to do so no matter what. We watched the old kids movie Madeline which made me smile. My sister hugged me and told me that she understood, and I knew in my heart that she really was the only one that did.

this morning.

2008-08-23T00:51:12Z

Last night I could barely get to sleep on account of my dog. She kept on wanting to go outside and go to the bathroom heaps of times throughout the night, not to mention her constantly disturbing me by opening my bedroom door and letting all of the warm air from my heater get out. Talk about frustrating!...and if she wasn't so darn cute I may even be angry with her.

This morning I watched a scary movie "The Eye" with Jessica Alba with my sister. I would recommend it. It was scary, but not in a blood and guts horrible sort of way. I like scary movies, but they need to be decent and not have any gore. We had a fun old time watching it. My sister and mother are going out for the day to visit my mum's ex husband's brother and wife- who are still really good friends despite the marriage break up.

This morning mum told me about how she wants me to take off from school early next friday for my birthday "surprise" which she told me is this make-up presentation we're going to. We got into a bit of an argument over it. She asked me too how I would feel about going out for dinner with my grandparents, sister and herself to celebrate my birthday. (I had originally told her I didn't want any "food related" event during my birthday). I told her no to both of these things, explaining to her that for someone in recovery like me- that is too much to ask for. Later I gathered my thoughts and sat quietly for a while and agreed to it. I think facing your fears is good sometimes....it is the only way to really beat them after all.

i'm a thousand miles away from your heart.

2008-08-22T06:34:04Z

Today during pe we did gymnastics and it was really funny to see all of us trying to talk to the Japanese exchange students that came to visit our school for the day. We couldn't understand each other and they would smile and nod at everything we said, it was pretty cute.

So I gave gymnastics a go today. We did the balance beam, climbing ropes (tried to anyway but most of us fell off) and trampoline. And then in maths hardly anybody was there so we played this random game called Yhatzi with dice. It was confusing and yet fun.

Hmm...I promised myself I'd relax this weekend and I'll do that. Today went well and my mood was fairly up all day. I rented a scary movie called "The Eye" this afternoon to watch with my sister either tonight or tomorrow. The poor thing, I hope she's feeling better. A good scare oughtta make her feel better :]

DAiLy WriTinGs oF A TeEnAgE GiRl (writing like that is stupid)

2008-08-21T11:04:43Z

I had a relatively sweet day today. I played a great game of European handball during sport today, did some practise for our School Certificate english exams and had a fun time drawing in art.

Work was good today too. My boss' kids were teaching me how to play computer games like a pro and were teaching me to do hand stands which I have always wanted to know how. They're cute kids and work was nice today. I unpacked candles and did some more proofing.

I'm concerned for my sister right now. She's really sick and is hardly eating anything...talk about triggering! Nah it is okay though, she's usually got a far greater appetite than me and she is constantly explaining to me that she is only not eating because she feels ill and explains to me very seriously that she is not going to get an eating disorder. (I always make sure she's not dieting or anything like that).

This afternoon the support teacher at school gave me my special provisions forms for the SC. I'll be doing my exams in a separate area and am allowed to have drink breaks, rest breaks etc for my anorexia, depression, anxiety etc and the added stress of that. It felt really good just to know that. I'm a sucker for getting stressed so I'm feeling good about being able to take a break during exam time.

Tonight my sister told me how bad she feels about not being there for me during the time of my head injury. She told me how proud she was of me and that she realises how sick I was and that she should have been there more for me. She's such a little gem that one, always looking out for others. I hope she's okay though. She keeps talking about how she feels like she's dying and she's been acting odd lately. The other day she shaved her arms for no apparent reason other than she "got bored". My mother was furious and they got into a majorly big fight over it. The poor girl was crying for hours....I love my sister and I want her to be okay.

10 days till my birthday

2008-08-20T10:37:44Z

Today was so fantastic that I almost feel afraid to write about it for fear that it was all just some beautiful dream from which you never want to awake from. This morning I walked the long walk to the train station while listening to music. I arrive early for the excursion, but I didn't mind. It was a lovely excuse to read and to stare in wonder at the interesting people stepping in and out of the buses that flew by.

We took the train to central today and we had the coolest time ever. The excursion was open to dance students and although I am not continuing doing dance next year, I really wanted to go. And then I almost didn't when I found out one of my very good friends wasn't. I felt scared. Scared when my friend Amanda mentioned all of the gummy snakes we could share around on the train. I felt scared of others seeing me eat, of everyone realising my strange behaviours and uncomfortable nature in general when surrounded by a world full of food I no longer eat.

Now that I look at it, I am so glad that I did face my fears and still go. I felt in my heart that I should have and I did make the right choice. We all had such an amazing time as we started dancing around in a circle performing various have movements and gestures to the Aborginal busker's beautiful music by the side of the harbour. Tourists loved our dancing so much that they began filming us and taking photographs! It was embarrassing to be dancing so openly like that, but embarrassing in a good way. It felt really great to let myself be free and to not give a damn about what anyone thought about me.

The other dance students grabbed some McDonalds for lunch and I'll admit that I felt jealous that I am just too damn afraid to do that as I once did. We all sat around in the beautiful green grass of the park as sea gulls chased us and swarmed up to us like scavengers awaiting whatever ounce of food they could get their hands on. One actually took my friend's chip right out of her hand!

It was just so nice to actually see the other girls so happy and so joyful and eating their big macs, their chicken nuggets, soft drinks, ice-cream sundaes and double cheese burgers. I felt so inspired. I felt so able to do this, I felt more determined than ever to beat this thing and to gain the ability to have a real life again. A life that I can live openly and with no regret.

I am started to get increasingly worried however, that others are starting to notice my obvious bizarre attitude towards food. Today I was the only person not to order a brown paper bag full of goodies from McDonalds; instead choosing to eat in private on the train back home. My dear friend Maddy asked me the other day "You don't eat recess do you?" I sort of laughed it off I guess, but it did tear into me a bit. I don't want this to last forever and more importantly, I certainly don't want it to trigger other people to develop insecurities in their own normal behaviours toward food.

The Bangarra dance performance in the Opera House was absolutely breath taking. It actually brought me to tears. Me who rarely ever cries in films or shows. And this one; this emotional piece of fabulous dance creation brought the tears rolling down my face.

The dancers were all absolutely brilliant; perfectly in time, perfectly tuned in with one another and danced so smoothly and so flawlessly. They made their dancing look so natural and effortless, when in reality I don't even want to know the amount of hours they must have slaved away practicing over and over for their performance.

We spent some time outside the Opera House looking at the clear and beautiful water. Sarah, Emma and I went around taking photohraphs with random tourists. It was so funny and silly at the same time, but it felt good to be childish and silly today. I think the world needs more of that.

Today was so great and my grandparents were so thrilled when they heard of the great time I had. My mother and my family were so excited for me that I was able to feel inspired spending time with normal teenagers my age who without even knowing, may have just changed my life. Without them even knowing, they have given me something. The gift of determination, a willingness to be inspired and a new hope in my heart that recovery will take a while, but that it certainly is attainable. I met some new, nice people today and made some new friends. I am learning to venture out of a lonliness that is at times hard to escape.

candy is dandy but liquor is quicker

2008-08-18T11:25:54Z

Dance class was fun today, because the teacher never showed up. We ended up getting a free period and were allowed to sit and talk and basically do whatever the hell we wanted to. Maddy, Manda, Emma and I chatted about random things and listened to music....it was fun.

Today's been good...although my compulsion to exercise is becoming more and more. I don't exactly know how to stop it, but all I know is that I am trying my best to. Still can't stop tapping my foot insanely up and down all the time, even during class.

Today my nanna read out my star sign and I liked the sound of it so much that she tore it out and gave it to me. Here it goes:

The upward path is not always straight. The road may dip briefly before it ascends. To get up a mountain, you may have to pass through a valley. As you do this, you can look at another road that leads straight to some small hill and assume this is a better path to take. Deep down in your heart, you know exactly why you must let something fall before it rises again. An inspiring revelation could yet fill you with positive energy and justified new hope.

Gosh I like the Telegraph star signs.

And while I don't fully understand the in depth meaning of it, I do like the sound of it. I think I'll figure it all out. Today of all days I think I am finally realising that I am slowly beating this; all the thoughts, rituals and behaviours. I am beating this, I am....although the process is a slow one. I would rather recover slow stead and properly though. I am doing this....and not just for my loved ones. I am getting better for me.

a weekend in august

2008-08-17T10:03:50Z

This weekend has been a really fantastic one. On Saturday I watched the movie 'December Boys' while eating (yes I actually did eat!!) and drawing in my art scrap book. And then later on I walked the long way to the cinemas to see 'Wanted' with my friend. On the way I stopped by some shops and looked at books, bought some snacks for the week and got some photohraphs developed for my album.

The movie kept my friend and I on the very edge of our seats. James Macavoy and Angelina Jolie do such an amazing acting job throughout. Maddy and I both agreed that the movie was full of complete action and that every minute was unpredictable. I admit though, that Angelina Jolie looked so beautiful, not to mention exceptionally thin that it was hard to watch. She was practically skin and bones that you could see them jutting out and her arm veins. I found that very triggering......I guess it reminded me of when I was at my very sickest point- at this time last year. It was hard to watch and not feel the need to go back into anorexia and say to hell with recovery.

Then I remember how unhappy I really was back then, and I don't want that back in my life. Not now, not ever. I was so suicidal that it was a total struggle just to make it through everyday. All I thought about was food and ways to avoid it. I would exercise whenever I got the chance and was so exhausted that I felt I would faint any second. I stopped going out and isolated myself from everyone I cared about. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to be so thin like that. It is a ridiculous price to pay for it and I don't want the sadness that comes with how I was back then. I want the happiness I had before, the happiness of when I was healthy and could laugh without a care.

So today is now Sunday and my sister stayed the night at a friend's place. It was good in a way because it forced mum and I to be together. We went to church together and she linked my arm all through the mass. She told me she enjoyed the time spent with me and both of us gained a lot from the mass.

The priest told two very amazing stories. The first was about a young girl who went with her family to a restaurant. The waitor went up to her and asked in a friendly voice "Madam what would you like to order" The young girl smiled and replied promptly; "A soda and a dog thanks".

"She'll have the roast chicken with mash potato and carrots", her family answered for her. The man nodded and turned back to the girl; "Would you like mustard or sauce on your hotdog?" He asked cheerfully. "Tomato sauce thankyou" said the young child beaming.

As the waitor walked away the young girl turned to her family and said "The difference between the waitor and you is that he knows I am real and not imaginary".

The purpose of the story was to tell us how Jesus sees us as being real. We're not fake or pretend to Him. We don't have to hide ourselves from Him. He knows everything about us and doesn't judge us for it. Instead he acknowledges us as His children and will always be our Heavenly Father. That story really moved me. It was the most I have gotten out of church in a long time.

The priest's second story was about a youth group that he helped out with. A young woman joined and everyone came up to him saying; "Father do not let that girl co-ordinate the youth group- she is a prostitute". The priest did not care for this fact and dismissed it. He did not judge the young woman just as Jesus does not judge us. He accepts us with an open heart.

The youth group flourished with the lady as its leader and the priest saw it as the best it had ever been. The young girl's family one day had to move away and she came to the priest to say farewell. "I am sorry father that I must leave", the woman said. "Thankyou for everything you have done for me".

"No," the priest replied, "I thankyou for what you have shown me and for all you have done for the church group".
That story made my mum cry, she was sitting next to me and I saw the silent tears cascading down her cheeks. Mass was moving today. As was this entire weekend. It was a good one. I didn't cry or get depressed at all. I have a hope in my heart and I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon.

Today I also got to go to the library and use my new (and first!) library card. Wow I'm excited about that- does that make me lame? Too bad if it does.

giving your thoughts away

2008-08-15T10:45:27Z

Today I had a really good day. I had an awesome time during art class thinking quietly to myself as I drew my emotions within my book of hidden secrets. Today I did something I've never done before. A group of girls in my art class asked if they could see my work. I would usually just say no right away, but today I let them. I told them how hard and odd that was for me to do. Usually I will not let anyone get anywhere near my art work, even my own mother.

...I don't exactly know why. I think I am just scared. Scared of what people will think. Why must I always be like that? That group of girls said that my work was amazing and that none of them could draw that well and that I should become an artist. That was so sweet of them all. I want to believe in myself so much in that way and I know I am going to.

I keep having small tiny glimpses of the future. Well it seems to be anyway...they are always happy little flashes. They enter my mind and vanish just as quickly as they arrived. They are always the same too. Of me. But healthy me. The way I was long before all this. I am usually wearing a dress in the dream, usually eating something I would never vision myself able to enjoy again. In my dream I am sitting with someone- usually my sister, my mother or a friend and I am happy beyond belief. I want this dream to become my reality. I want it so passionately that I would die to be that happy.

la di da di dooo...

2008-08-14T21:42:50Z

For some odd reason I just felt like coming on here and typing up a wee bit about my life before school. It is currently 7:29am in the morning...

Last night I had a beautiful moment with my sister. She asked me if I would like to hear her play her recorder that she is learning at school for music class. I said yes and listened as she beautifully and softly played the notes to 'The Man From Snowy River' and 'My Heart Will Go On' from Titanic. It was lovely listening to the quiet notes as they whisked me away. I realise how hard this is on her. I find it so lovely that she has been more of a big sister to me than I have. I know this is hard for her and I'm just trying to be there for her...for her and my mum.

Mum came and kissed my forehead last night and gave me a little cuddle as I pretended to be asleep. I think she knew deep down that I was very much awake.

I think this weekend I will:
- Continue working on my artist research assignment and complete it
- Go to the library and return my books on biotechnology and borrow new ones on the artist George Baldessin
- Walk to the movie theatre, meet my friend there and see the movie 'Wanted'.
- Go to mass on Sunday
- Finish my two art pieces that I have been working on throughout the week
- Collect and photocopy more samples of work, references etc for my careers portfolio
- Start & complete my history homework booklet on Aboriginal rights & freedoms
- Spend some time with my family (decent quality time with just me and them and family love <3)
- Paint my nails
- Wash my hair
- Watch the movie 'December Boys' which I have rented and have yet to watch
- Play 'Zelda the Windwaker' with my sister for a bit
- Get some more photos developed at the shops for my album
- Shop for some more snacks

Wow. What a list......... And I'll also add a bit of relax time to that list also because that is very important.

start to a thursday.

2008-08-13T20:23:22Z

I was going to update last night, but my mum was using the computer room for one of her boring meetings. Last night we got into yet another fight. We came home early from my grandparent's place and mum was really mad that we did. She said that when she doesn't want me here, I'm here and when she wants us to go out with her, I don't.

Her comment really just made me full of sadness. I slammed the door in her face and wouldn't come out to talk to her when she said sorry...

She left the house a while later and I told my sister that I wonder how she would feel if I just up and died like I want to. My sister got so angry and upset by what I said and told me to go away when I tried to hug her. She said she hates it when I say that, when I talk about death. The whole night just turned into one big mess really quickly. For the remainder of it I kept out of sight and stayed in my room drawing, writing a letter and reading a magazine with a candle lit.

In other news, I cannot believe that my beautiful friend Alyce is back in the hospital. I met her there and recently I've been talking to my other friend Kyoko whom I met in the hospital too. She seems to be halfway in the middle of a relapse and I'm worried for her too. But I cannot believe that my friend is back in the hospital and has gotten worse. I am so scared for her. I thought she was getting better.

Last night I think part of my anger was because I feel like my own mother cannot see how hard I have been trying. I have been doing all the hard work of recovery by myself while she's off somewhere and I feel like she doesn't appreciate that. After all, half the reason I am actually trying to get better is for her sake. I just don't think she sees it is all. That could have been me relapsed again and in hospital, but it is not. Because I am still here, because I am determined to fight this thing. My mother doesn't seem to understand my anxiety about going out, about eating out and meeting new people. That simply scares me to pieces and I don't think that she understands it at all.